Oh typical me.
I’ve plunged in head first.
I failed to gage
Your shallow waters.
I did not survey
The rocks in your bed.
So, typical me.
Again in mid-flight.
I now realize
The error in haste.
To have been lured in
By flags colored red.
Woe, typical me.
Landed head first.
I’ve no one to blame
For the state I’m in.
Or the cold water
Still trapped in my head.
me from this
hell; my desolate cell.
You know that I’m waiting.
Teach me the pleasures of your
kiss and tell. I’m yours for the taking.
Take me to the place without a raven calling
out my name. Show me to the place that you
call Heaven; take away this pain. You
say you’ve been there. You say
it’s beauty. Say I should see
it. Why won’t you
my life was filled with hormones confusion and boys. I thought i was falling in love with half the boys at school but so terrified that my dad would find out I kept it inside..
My dad drove me around at 14 and told me get in there get a job and tell them your 16. So i did I worked full time at a restaurant while i was going to school. My last year in jr high was trying… I Learned how to work and the value of money.. I had to pay for everything I wanted. Plus work go to school and church….
I am great full to my dad for helping me out in this way. I didn’t have time for friends or anything. Every summer from the time I was 12 He sent me to gram-pas to work on his farm. Gram-pa was as interested in me as my dad was. I worked my ass off… Got big muscles tan… Damn I was hot…
but terrified to reveal the real me to ANYONE……
I was with him for 3 years. I met him in Seattle when I was visiting….
He is buried with my cub scout ring
I survived my dad beating the hell out of me for three days. With my older brother watching…he got sick watching it BTW. My dad ripped hair from my head and repeated the “I’m going to beat it out of you” ..”You going to be gay anymore”. Then He would hit me again. Later on when I went to the emergency room (3 days later) I had 2 broken ribs and a broken nose. When I told the Dr what had happened he said he would testify if I needed him to.
So I was forced to live with this older man who I didn’t even like.. I didn’t have a family. I didn’t talk to them for three years. I sued my dad his attorney called me at work wanted to know if I would settle out of court. I said yes and told him they needed to get counseling and pay for the court costs. They went to the LDS social services……..
I climbed up storm mountain in salt lake by myself after it happened. And I cryed and asked God if I REALLY was the evil….. and bad. SUDDENLY THE CLOUDS OVER THE VALLEY OPENED AND THEY SUN CAME OUT. i HAD A CALM WARMTH COME OVER ME. I knew…
My father was not my dad… he was guiding me.. and everything would work out.
I did have to get counseling on my own 5000$ worth. I was his first gay patient… He was married with a little girl… after the 8 months I went to him… My last visit he told me he had left his wife and had a bf now… but I had nothing to do with that…….
One other weird thing that happened after my dad beat the hell out of me .. He held me hostage for 3 days.. wouldn’t let me go to work. When I did go back to work I went into the storeroom at st marks hospital and got a number 10 can of black olives. Opened it and went up on the 5th floor of the medical offices.. on the roof and threw them over the edge into the parking lot. I then went to the 4th and 3rd floor and stuffed them in all the mail slots for the doctors offices…
Any way in closing LIFE IS A FLOW THE GOOD THE BAD WE NEED TO EMBRACE BOTH AND LEARN TO SIT MORE CENTERED AND COMFORTABLE IN OURSELVES
I can see things differently. The why of some things and people that have touched my life over the years. It happens more and more as I get older.
I can work stronger and harder that any 24 year old…(my boss).
Ive been busy working doing sheetrock in an old house.. hard word .
if it gets me outta idaho well so be it
To continue about my mormon story… I started drinking when i was 17. I came home one night drunk and smelling like booze and sex… (guy at work)(my first). And I told my dad where id had been. I had to move out two weeks later . In with this guy Id been seeing who I really didn’t even like.
One month went by and no word nothing from my family my dad or the church.. By then they had ordain me an elder in church. I got off work came out to my car to go home and no car….HERE comes my dad and my older brother shoved my in his car and took me to my brothers house… Told me i=I wasn’t leaving till I told them I wasn’t going to be Gay anymore. Then BEAT THE F*CK OUT OUT ME… held me hostage`for three days… I worked at st marks hospital in salt lake …when i finally got away the emergency room said I had 3 cracked ribs and a broken nose…
The movie ……. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5K0RLg3c0w If you’ve ever watched it you know kinda what I’ve been through. At the age of 7 years old I remember acting and doing things that to me would indicate I was definitely gay. I obsessed with my butt and and crayons. Now you put two and two together. I saw my first “counselor” when I was 13 years old. It was a long horrible denial. And my secret had to be buried deeper. I was a fair haired mommy’s boy with blond hair and brown eyes.
This is dedicated to all those who grew up Mormon in the 70’s and up. The long lonely road to sanity. And tips on how I survived.